The Doctor Is In

[CHARLIE BROWN]
Oh, Lucy. I'm so depressed. I don't know what to do.

[LUCY]
I think what you need most of all, Charlie Brown, is to come
right out and admit all of the things that are wrong with you.

[CHARLIE BROWN]
All right, I'll try
I'm not very handsome or clever, or lucid,
I've always been stupid at spelling and numbers.
I've never been much playing football or baseball
Or stickball, or checkers, or marbles, or ping-pong

I'm usually awful at parties and dances,
I stand like a stick or I cough, or I laugh,
Or I don't bring a present, or I spill the ice cream
Or I get so depressed that I stand and I scream...

Oh, how could there possibly be
One small person as thoroughly, totally, utterly
Blah as me?

[LUCY]
Well, that's ok for a starter.

[CHARLIE BROWN]
A starter?

[LUCY]
Certainly. You don't think that mentioning these few superficial
failings is going to do you any good, do you? Why, Charlie Brown,
You really have to delve.

You're stupid, self-centered and moody

[CHARLIE BROWN]
I'm moody

[LUCY]
You're terribly dull to be with

[CHARLIE BROWN]
Yes I am.
And nobody likes me,
Not Frieda, or Shermy, or Linus, or Schroeder-

[LUCY]
Or Lucy.

[CHARLIE BROWN]
Or Lucy.

[LUCY]
Or Snoopy.

[CHARLIE BROWN]
Or Sn-
Wait a minute. Snoopy likes me.

[LUCY]
He only pretends to like you because you feed him.
That doesn't count.

[CHARLIE BROWN]
Or Snoopy.
Oh why- was I born just to be
One small person as thoroughly, totally, utterly-

[LUCY]
Wait!
You're not very much of a person...

[CHARLIE BROWN]
That's certain

[LUCY]
And yet there's a reason for hope.

[CHARLIE BROWN]
There's hope?

[LUCY]
For although you are no good at music,
Like Schroeder, or happy like Snoopy,
Or lovely like me,
You have the distinction to be
No one else but the singular, remarkable, unique
Charlie Brown!

[CHARLIE BROWN]
I'm me!

[LUCY]
Yes- it's amazingly true,
For whatever it's worth, Charlie Brown,
You're you.

[CHARLIE BROWN]
Gosh, Lucy you know something. I'm beginning to feel better already.
You're a true friend, Lucy, a true friend.

[LUCY]
That'll be five cents, please.

From You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown.

Ha. Ha. Ha... :D